As a Subscriber to Stay On Fountain, you have been auto-enrolled in the Husband of the Month Club.  Congratulations!  The man who is selected will be your husband for 30 days, so enjoy!  And for straight men and lesbians (or interested parties who simply don’t care for the man), you will still be sent the Husband, so feel free to buddy around with him.  The rule with Husband of the Month Club is that he can be utilized to any desired Husband-y level, but your monthly man is no slave, so be kind.

The Husband Selection for late February/early March is Mixed Martial Arts fighter Forrest Griffin.

Forrest is a sparky 31 years old, held the UFC light heavyweight championship until 2008, appeared on the first season of SpikeTV’s “Ultimate Fighter,” and is the author of two New York Times Bestselling books.  Here’s one of them!

That’s right, he’s a man’s man!  I suggest on your first of four weeks that you honeymoon in the woods, where Forrest would happily battle any bears that stray into your camp.  The battle would brief and fair, and Mr. Griffin would employ his deadly combination of Tae Kwon Do, Brown-Belted Jiujitsu, and Gay Sex that all MMA fights perilously border on.

He’s a snuggly at-home type for your second week, a man-shaped dish of comfort food.  Forrest is affable, folksy, with a lovely self-depricating sense of humor about his ears, which have both a case of Dumbo-ness and Boxer Cauliflowering.

You don’t need to say he looks like a monkey. He’s already said it. So charming!

Forrest Griffin belongs to that model of Boy-Face/Man-Body/Arrogant-Not-Asshole Man that is so sought-after amongst my liberal, salons of Georgetown-frequenting, sweater-vest wearing crowd, or so Senator McCain often speculates.

Forrest keeps a fairly witty Twitter account, and his survivalist humor book is very clever.  Do you have a witty Twitter or a clever bestselling book?  The answer is no, and neither do the sanctimonious blue bloods at the society functions you will take him to in your third week together.  They will be shocked, and you pleasantly surprised, when Forrest arrives at the party having cleaned up good.

*gasp* *gasp* *whisper* *whisper* *monocole falls into champagne*

Those Bushwood-ers will be unable to accept Forrest’s brash everyman personality and voice that is Georgia-accented and characteristically thick in that way that makes guys sound like half a monster.

Forrest will occasionally eat a live deer with his bare hands. I’d get used to it if I were you.

And as a bonus, this Husband comes complete with two kittys that Forrest likes to walk on leashes.

100% not kidding.

Towards the end of your Husbandry with Forrest, why not take him along to a St. Patty’s Day parade?  The boy can hold his liquor in that wonderful big guy way where he goes from Sober to Smashed, completely skipping Sloshed and Soused.

Dislocated shoulder painkillers + Amstel = Husband

If you’re feeling bored and saucy, you can throw a little flirt some innocent schmoe’s way, and watch Forrest bitchslap the poor bastard for what will feel like entirety of the parade.  And if you’re feeling bored and saucy and you’re gay, try holding hands with Forrest.  If you’re thrown any shit or even a weird glance, watch Forrest bitchslap the poor bastard in the time it takes you to down four more Irish Car Bombs.  In either scenario, you and Forrest will go home and be treated to the some of the hottest Beer-Breathed Alpha Male sex you’ve ever had.

He’s had a long night in the drunk tank. You’ll pretty much have to.

I understand not everybody will be into the Fighter Guy.  But enjoy him while you got him because next month he goes back to his wife.  And maybe then you’ll miss his boyish charm and lack of self-conscious blather.

Yes. Yes, I would.

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Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

ADAM SASS is a journalist and copy editor for Mediaplanet, which prints in USA Today. His short story appeared in the anthology STARLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND and was nominated for Best Science Fiction Story by Writer’s Digest. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.

Keep up with Adam’s pop culture blogging at GeeksOut.org and on his (over)active Twitter: @TheAdamSass.