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Here is Adam’s answers to the common questions that will be brought up by our nosy family and friends.  Feel free to invent your own.

What Does the Man Do?

He’s an actor that has recently gained a lot of charming momentum, starring as Colin Firth’s dead boyfriend in “A Single Man,” as well as playing The Most Obnoxious Man Amy Adams has Ever Met in “Leap Year,” a movie that is already being talked about as revolutionizing Women’s Lib (in that it’s revolutionarily setting it back fifty years).

This is a recent change of pace from his previous roles of playing odious, chilly villains in “Watchmen” and the odious, chilly “Match Point” that underline his natural effete English accent.  However, in recent films, he’s changed up to warmer dialects like American and Irish.  Mama likes!

Where’d You Two Meet?

I was traveling through Europe, taking jobs as an au pair and sometimes manservant to Families of Status in the British Isles.  I had just left the bratty household of Mr. and Mrs. Wentworth of Sussex and greatly needed to distance myself from the children of England for a time.  This brought me to the doorstep of one Mrs. Henrietta Kent, who had moved from the hustle bustle of London to a quiet and magnificently appointed cottage on the South Shore of the Isle of Wight.  I took the job because she wore every piece of jewelry she owns over the same shabby lavender silk dress every day (and she had a faint air of Maggie Smith about her, which I couldn’t resist!).  She hired me because I told her terribly rude florist to go fuck herself following an unfortunate lily-planting incident during my interview.  She admired my tenacity and grit.  I also quietly agreed that, in addition to my other duties of reading her mail, opening her thermos and assisting with her jewelry (which had become more about ritual than design), I was to disobey her live-in nurse’s orders and supply her with the occasional cigar and replace her cocoa with brandy.

We got along famously.

Our routine became interrupted pleasantly one weekend when her son came to visit.  It was that charming, yet cold man from those films!  He explained that he changed his name for films because there was already a Matthew Kent who had enjoyed a short-lived career in the 30’s as randy auctioneer Barnaby Baraxus in the Charlie Chan Mysteries. Mr. Kent inexplicably dropped out of the limelight in 1937 to produce the mildly popular Vaudevillian Minstrel Show, Sambo & Mammy, which ran for two years in Camden Town and then closed after a disastrous showing of their final revue, “Mind Dat Ol’ Gap.”  Mr. Kent never managed to regain the fire of his earlier revues, “Dars De Money” and “Sich a Gettin’ Up Stairs.”  Mr. Kent’s body was found strangled later that summer, just before Blitzkrieg, at the Indian palace of the Maharaja.  The death was labeled an accident.  The case never reopened.

MY Matthew Kent, however, now Matthew Goode, was alive and well and standing in his mother’s solarium, wearing immaculate grey tones and a winning grin, pointed straight in my direction.  I discovered that his father, Henrietta’s husband, died several years ago after holding a seat in Parliament for some time.  “It’s just Mother and I now,” he said, absent-mindedly petting Phelps, Henrietta’s short-haired Cairn Terrier.

Mrs. Kent, correctly sensing the rising sexual tension in the room, barked that she was to take her afternoon nap early, and that Matthew and I were to set up her Croquet game on the back lawn and help ourselves to the Pimm’s.

After a few Pimm’s Cups, we never made it to the Croquet, but a game was played on the back lawn, if you know what I mean.

So…How Was the Wedding?

The ceremony took place at Henrietta’s cottage and was the definition of British restraint and subtlety. After an afternoon of pheasant shooting, the men (and Henrietta) returned to the cottage to devour a meal of Turducken and Pudding.  My visiting American relatives and friends’ constant suggestions that were going to have Bubble & Squeak and Sausage & Mash was met with a cool disgust for outsiders that grew stronger as the vintage wine poured more freely.  I overheard Henrietta, becoming flusher by the minute, insist to her very dear friend Ian McKellen that it was her intention to set the two of us up from the very beginning.  Ian was having none of it, citing her years of experience as a less-than-shoddy matchmaker. Wishing to flee any more arguments, Matthew and I snuck into Henrietta’s wine cellar for some alone time. What a blissful day!

 

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Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

ADAM SASS is a journalist and copy editor for Mediaplanet, which prints in USA Today. His short story appeared in the anthology STARLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND and was nominated for Best Science Fiction Story by Writer’s Digest. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.

Keep up with Adam’s pop culture blogging at GeeksOut.org and on his (over)active Twitter: @TheAdamSass.