Thanks for choosing Husband of the Month Club.  The man who is selected will be your husband for 30 days, so enjoy!  And for straight men and lesbians (or interested parties who simply don’t care for the man), you will still be sent the Husband, so feel free to buddy around with him.  The rule with Husband of the Month Club is that he can be utilized to any desired Husband-y level, but your monthly man is no slave, so be kind.

Your husband for these early summer days is Chris Hemsworth, otherwise known as big blond Thor, the God of Thunder.

Hey, I've got that same shirt! H&M? Yep, we're twins! Oh, you gotta take off? That's cool...

“Thor” tells the absolutely never silly story of a planet (or dimension?) called Asgard that is just a stone’s goofy-laser-beam throw from our puny Earth.  Asgard is in the middle of a cold (wait for the pun) war with a neighboring plane-mension (dimensionet?) called The Very Serious Somethering-Or-Other, and it houses the war-hungry Frost Giants.  Their dimensionet was designed to look like the dirty icicles that form under your car.  Anyway, Thor decides that he’s bored and wants to fuck– er, sorry, decides that he wants to attack the Frost Giants.

Here’s where the eye-rolling stops and the eye-googling commences.  Thor grabs his buddies and his big sexy hammer, and they start talking smack over at Take-Me-Seriously-Planet.  Tensions boil, a harmless gay joke is thrown Thor’s way, and that’s all he needs to get hard…nosed about kicking ass.  Punches and magic powers are thrown, the hammer does its hammer thing, and it’s all very disorienting and ill-conceived filmically.  You’re never really sure where you are, who’s fighting who, who just died, wait they’re alive?, run, run, move, move, leave him, I’m not finished, this cold war just got hot, etc, etc.

The only thing you know for sure is your husband looks good doing…whatever it is they’re doing.

Mr. Hemsworth, in addition to being a professional dimple operator, is a fine selection to play Thor of Asgard, what with his god-like body, wintermint blue stare, cocksure grin and a commanding voice that is positively Branaghian.

Shakespearean director Kenneth Branagh isn’t fooling anybody with this casting.  It’s like he cast a Puck-like spell on an Abercrombie model that made him walk, talk and act like Branagh doing Thor.  I don’t consider this a bad thing, I just think we should check Branagh’s trailer for nightshade and root of Asphodel.

I'll be the first to say it, a deep, booming voice is the new abs.

Back on Asgard, your three-pound Nordic steak of a hubby is getting the riot act read to him by his father, Odin (played by professional father-player Anthony Hopkins).  See, he shouldn’ta messed with the Frost Giants for some reason.  Now, Thor has brought war (that was already kind of going on) to Asgard, and like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air before him, this arrogant young bastard needs to be taught a little lesson in humility.

So Odin Papa strips Thor down to the bare minimum (I don’t know why, but you could have heard a pin drop in the theater during this scene).  Mr. Thor Husband is left with little else than a gray tanktop (tanktops are literally universal), and Odin shoots him into the time-travel machine from “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me,” and off to stupid, dirty, No-Glass-Castled Earth he goes.

Thor drops to Earth in the middle of New Mexico and is picked up Totally-an-Astrophysicist Natalie Portman and her science team.  She and her assistant, Kat Dennings (another fabulous Jewess I love) were storm-chasing a report of a space wormhole, referred to constantly as an Einstein-Rosen Bridge.  They find Thor moments before the mysterious government agency S.H.I.E.L.D. does.

S.H.I.E.L.D. confiscates all of Natalie’s research and leaves behind a DVD of “Iron Man” and “Iron Man 2” to settle her confusion.  They peel away in their black Sedans, kicking up dust on the wisecracking ladies, and as the men in black disappear into setting Southwest sun, you can almost hear the faint cry of “The Avengers!  In theaters next summer!”

So, wait, why do we have to keep waiting around after the credits? Let me guess, Sam Jackson shows up again? Let's stop calling it a "secret scene."

You might find your territory over the God of Thunder threatened by our plucky Jewesses, who are increasingly unconcerned about their stolen life’s work as they teach their big blond Shikso the fineries of Earth-living (what is this “coffee”?  HAHAHAHA!  I love it!  I’ll have another!  *smashes cup on floor*) (P.S. actual scene, and it’s very charming).

Turns out Odin had the right idea.  Sending him straight into the arms of these neurotic workaholics was just the medicine to tame Thor’s cock-in-hand arrogance into a mild blend of shame and Can’t-Do-It-iveness.  Now humbled, Thor is able to use the Einstein Rosenbaum to return to Asgard and defeat the Frost Giants, which he does by destroying another bridge, this time it’s called a Rainbow Bridge (yes, the very same from Mario Kart).
The details aren’t important.  What’s important is Natalie Portman is knocked up and shan’t be around for a sequel, so Thor is all yours for the rest of the month.

Powered By DT Author Box

Written by Adam Sass

Adam Sass

ADAM SASS is a journalist and copy editor for Mediaplanet, which prints in USA Today. His short story appeared in the anthology STARLING SCI-FI: NEW TALES OF THE BEYOND and was nominated for Best Science Fiction Story by Writer’s Digest. He lives in New York City with his husband and two dachshunds.

Keep up with Adam’s pop culture blogging at GeeksOut.org and on his (over)active Twitter: @TheAdamSass.